Hilarious Tinder Stories & Online Dating Fails
Alright folks, it’s time to come clean. Trevor, I’m sorry for everything I’m about to say & enlighten the world with. I had a SERIOUS problem. The tinder-match-bumble game was honestly SO addicting. I just want to share a few funny stories, ridiculous moments, and other nonsense.
These are photos from an actual Bumble date where I made this dude a charcuterie and made him take pictures of me for 3 hours (whoops!)
But like, he did great. Didn’t last long! #next
HALF MY HEIGHT
This disaster is pretty self-explanitory. The dude said he was six feet tall. AND BTW that is a stretchhhhh for me. I like tall guys. This guy shows up and I had to do a double take… towards the floor. Ummmm, hello? You’re Jason? (I don’t remember his name but it was probably Jason). You are… definitely not over 5’5” dude. Not to mention this guy had ears the size of Texas from wrestling through high school. Going dutch? Not this time. You can pay, little man.
POOR MAN IN A MULT-MILLIONAIRE HOUSE
Okay, holy cow. I pulled up to the (literal) biggest house I’ve ever seen in my entire life and I was like “oh, okay” *wink *smile *fluff hair *spray perfume. Dayummmmm, boy. What a beautiful house. Then thoughts started racing. Did he have a family? Am I a side chick? Is he a trust-fund baby? Did he start some start-up and become a 28 year old billionaire? Ahhhhh. What the heck, dude? Well, the first clue was that he came out and hoped in my passenger seat. “Can we take your car? Mine is in the shop.” Sure buddy, sure. I was kinda looking forward to your mint green lambo, but okay, my 2001 subaru will do for this date. So intrigued, I was just wondering about the big house the entire date. He said he was an engineer for a small company. Maybe it went big? WRONG. All wrong. I begged him to give me a tour and to my surprise this was a GLORIFIED frat house. There were like a million dudes in there. It wasn’t destroyed but it definitely was not taken care of. And okay, okay, he wasn’t poor. He had a job, but in comparison to the man that could own that house… he was just average. It didn’t work out. *tear.
SHASTA DISASTA
Not suuuuuuper proud of this one either, haha. This guy was so adorable. So charming. We skyped for HOURS for WEEKS. He lived in San Francisco. I lived in Newberg, Oregon. I had done a long distance gig before and it wasn’t thattttt bad. So what did we do? We planned to meet half way! I realize now that I could’ve been killed in a small shack on Mt. Shasta and things could’ve gone terribly awry… but I’m here now?!? This was probably the craziest moment of my entire dating career. When you have built someone up to be someone else for weeks, had butterflies that were produced by technology, and really felt like this could be the one… things don’t work out. Sorry, people. Things are SO different in person. They always are. Within the first 10 minutes of meeting each other, we realized that it wasn’t going to work. There was no spark. It seemed so forced. I felt really stupid driving 6 hours home. Do my parents even know I did this? Well, now they do. Haha
WORKING THE SYSTEM
Umm, hi! I decided that I didn’t want to pay for Match.com ever again… so I did it the old-school, beat the system way. Match lets you “view the profile/username” and some of their profile, but just doesn’t let you see their name, send them an email, etc. if you haven’t paid. Well. This guy had a username that seemed like a twitter handle. So J I went straight to twitter. Boom. There he was. I’m a creepazoid, I know, but it was totally worth it because this guy and I dated for several months. So then, I found his full name on Twitter, boom. Now I would do the most stalk-crazy thing ever… I searched him on Facebook, messaged him, and just put myself out there! A few days went by and then what’dya know, we-datin’. I’m still kinda sad things didn’t work out with this guy (sorry Trev), but this one was a real doosy. Griffin had just died a few months prior and I was NOT in a good place. I have this theory that I’ve met 4 guys that it “could’ve worked out with” if I had met them in a different time in my life. This was one of those guys. So I guess the moral of the story is, be creepy. Stalk. Creepy is safer.
THE “DON’T GOOGLE ME” ONE LINER
Huh. If ANY guy says to you, “well, I just want to be open with you, if you google me, blah, blah, blah” just literally walk out the door right then. First off, I’m not googling all of my dates (mainly because I’m lazy), but honestly, that is SUCH a red flag. There are SOME instances where shiz happened and you couldn’t control it and it really wasn’t your fault that you ran over a grandma’s cat and made the news… but this was my biggest tinder-fail of life. This guy was creepy from the beginning and I still continued the date!!!! AHHHHH. Let’s just say when I did google him, there was something to the tune of “man drags girlfriend out of apartment by hair and there were bite marks on the victim”… yikes! No wonder my parents were worried when I was going on all these dates. I totally had a gut feeling about this guy when he was an HOUR late to our FIRST date… all I’m saying ladies, is be careful and watch for that red flag.
ONE EARRING, BAD GRAMMAR
Okay, you know when you are periodically pulling out your phone to write down the ridiculous grammar mistakes that someone is making outloud… the date is so worth it. I mean, half of these dates were worth the pain, just for the story-telling afterwards. So this mechanic shows up, one hoop earring, guys, just one. Actually, I don’t know if two would’ve been better. Eh, maybe he could’ve been like a hippie naturopath with two hoops and that would’ve been fine, but hello? This isn’t 1998! This guy was a train wreck, people. I almost felt kinda bad for him, but I still stuck it out… for the comic relief. Examples of things that he said:
THE MEDICAL SALES REP FROM HELL
This guy was the worst. Sorry, but if you make 500K+ a year, I don’t care if you’re a complete jerk. This guy was so impressed with himself. He played in the MLB or something and made alllll this money and sent me realllly weird pictures of himself. Gross. Anyways, when I told him about my wins at work, he was like oh, and then trampled on them with gloating about his latest commission. He wasn’t super thrilled when I said “well, aren’t you special” and he replied with “wow, rude” and a peace sign emoji. Then 20 min later “go F yourself, you live with your parents, bye”. I truly missed out on a winner, *tear.
I seriously have like 50 more of these stories, but that’s enough painful ones for now! I would LOVE to hear about your ridiculous stories in the comments! Any dewsies?
Xoxo
Chelsea
